fauxphilnews

Possibly True. Necessarily Entertaining.

Let’s face it: New arrivals are draining the economy

with 5 comments

The following is an editorial by guest author Gerald Mueller, the Strom Thurmond Chair of Conservative Thought at the University of Cascadia.

With the fiscal cliff fresh on our minds, it seems appropriate to ask ourselves what policy resolutions we might adopt for the new year. While the prospects for true reform are bleak, it’s obvious that one of the most pressing problems facing America today is demographic in nature. There is an identifiable group of people who are demonstrably a drain on our economy and our finances. They’re unskilled, uneducated, and survive largely on handouts. Here’s a hint: They don’t speak English. You guessed it – babies. While the Left loves to coddle them, it’s time we took a good, hard look at these little fiscal sinkholes.

Babies lie around all day being pampered – they’re like cats, except it’s not socially acceptable to eat a baby.

First, babies are only here thanks to the labor of others. On average, a first-time mother is in labor for approximately 16 hours, but let’s leave that aside. I’m talking about real labor – the kind that makes money. Babies need someone else to pay for everything: food, housing, clothing – you name it, they get it for free. It’s no wonder the typical baby can’t be troubled to get a job when all its time and energy is spent suckling at the government teat. At least I assume that is the government’s teat in its mouth. In any case, the bottom line is this: While millions go to subsidizing the baby lifestyle, babies contribute little in terms of taxable income.

Worse yet, babies’ idleness is contagious. In a recent Rasmussen poll, 88% of respondents reported having less energy after assuming care of one or more babies. Seventy percent reported spending less time at work. And 67% said they are saving more of their income and spending less, further hurting the economy.

Finally, babies are here to take our jobs. Don’t let their practiced nonchalance fool you. If recent history is any guide, the babies of today will occupy literally millions of jobs currently held by hardworking Americans in as little as twenty to thirty years.

The conclusion is obvious: Babies are sucking this country dry. Will 2013 finally be the year Congress resolves to get tough on babies? It’s unlikely, but you can’t blame a guy for hoping.

[On a completely unrelated note, I don’t think I’ve yet plugged the latest paper by Todd Ganson, my former advisor and occasional co-author. The paper is forthcoming in Philosophical Studies. In it, Todd argues that “plausible assumptions at the heart of Shoemaker’s theory [of color perception] make trouble for his claim that color experiences represent the colors of things.” Go take a look!]

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Written by fauxphilnews

January 4, 2013 at 11:44 pm

5 Responses

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  1. Miles Rind

    January 5, 2013 at 5:38 am

  2. [...] Let’s face it: New arrivals are draining the economy. No comment. [...]

  3. Another great post. Please, please, stop attending to your own life and do more work on this blog.

    ChrisTS

    January 24, 2013 at 5:53 pm

    • haha – sorry, i know i haven’t been posting much. part of the problem is that i write stuff that, in the end, i’m not satisfied with and decide not to post. in any case, i’m glad you like this one!

      fauxphilnews

      January 29, 2013 at 6:26 pm

  4. This is one of my favorite blog posts of all time, from any website anywhere. Thank you!

    xhs

    October 12, 2013 at 9:58 pm


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